From Depression to Joy

Photo courtesy of Steven Xiong Photos

The passing of my brother in 2015 was one of the hardest times I’ve ever had to endure. I have lost loved ones in my life, but the sorrow and grief I felt this time had never been to this magnitude. I was at peace with my brother’s passing, but it was like his death ripped off a scab from on my heart that had not fully healed, but was now severely swollen, disturbed, and infected. I was drowning in a deep pit of depression. I questioned life, my existence, my values, and purpose. All of these doubts, fears, and questions came to the forefront and became overly exposed. I felt at my lowest, the lowest I'd ever been. I was living under a dark cloud, and life was merely passing by. I hated this feeling, the pain and hopelessness, but nothing I did could get me out it. Each day, I had to use all that I had in me, to get me out of bed. I was literally heartbroken. The dull aching of my heart was almost more than I could bear. To help, I would pray silently in my mind, and then out loud when I had the strength. Most prayers were just me pleading, “LORD, help me. Please help me.” I was clinging on to dear life, and I didn’t know how or when the pain and sadness would end. I couldn’t stay this way, and I knew something had to change.

During this time of deep sorrow and anguish, I had to reevaluate my life to see why I was feeling this way. What was the root of this depression? I had so many questions. Would I go on living this repetitive, unfulfilling day-to-day lifestyle? This couldn’t be all that God had planned for me. While living, my brother made such a big impact in so many people’s lives. Would they be able to say the same for me? What kind of life/legacy would I be leaving for my children and future grandchildren? I continued to pray and asked others pray for me. My husband had been patient with me, but I could tell that he wanted the depression to end as much as I did. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. After an agonizing three months, I took a step of faith and quit my job at the bank. That job had simply paid my bills, but I found no enjoyment in it. So why stay? Then, I enrolled in school and took at part-time job in a non-profit organization. I started doing things for myself, which I had previously thought was selfish. I painted pictures, painted my nails, and read books. I also buried my head into my studies; it was fitting that I was majoring in Psychology.

Then a thought popped into my head. It said, have you asked God to take away the depression? What a simple question, rather, what a simple fix to my issue. I realized I had not asked God. So I said to God, “LORD, I don’t want this depression. I no longer want to be stuck in a rut. Please take the depression away. I rebuke the spirit of depression in Jesus’ Name, Amen.” Not long after, the cloud lifted, and soon enough, I was able to enjoy school and all the learning that came with it. I was beginning to enjoy life again, even more than before. I was able to find joy in my children, in work, in my husband, in life. It was the beginning of a new me. God wanted to heal me; he wanted to heal my heart, the infection, and the wound‚ all of it. I could not be all that He created me to be in that depressed and hopeless state. He wanted me well and answered my simple prayer. He wanted to know exactly what I needed help with. Saying “help me” was not sufficient. I had to be specific with my prayer. He knew I wasn’t living the life He created me to live; I wasn’t truly happy so God used my brother’s death to bring me to a point of desperation. It allowed me to take a step back and got me to reevaluate my life. I made the decision that I would not live an ordinary, insignificant life.

God created me to be and do so much more than what I was doing. I am happy to say that I am out of that depression, and I feel that I am right where I need to be. I didn’t enjoy going through it; it was painful but it taught me to continue to rely on God, to cling to Him. I trust that God is working, and He will bring me to where He wants me to be. Often times, God will use our hurt, grief, and anguish to bring us to another level. He may teach us something critical, or give us a crucial piece to the puzzle of life. If you allow God to work in you, you will not regret the work He will do in you. I always remember the verse, what the enemy intends for bad, God will use for good. This is just one of the many times God has used my suffering, pain, or distress for my benefit.

It may have been hard to see it at the time, when you’re in the midst of it, but everything has its purpose. We have to trust God, no matter what our circumstances are. Without God and the prayers of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I would not have been able to get out of the depression. I wouldn't be as joyful as I am today. I am so thankful for them, and for my husband. I am thankful for those who sent words of encouragement, and those who stood beside me, carrying me when I didn’t have the strength to go on. I'm even thankful for the season of depression, hurt, and anguish I went through. Remember that God answers prayers daily, and that He is good. He is truly faithful.

Let us Pray.

Father God,

I give you praise. You are worthy to receive all praise, honor, and glory. There is no one like You, Oh Sovereign God. You reign. Be exalted and magnified! Lord, I thank you for using my pain, sorrow, and depression to elevate me to a new level. I thank you that I am no longer depressed, but now enjoy life more than I have ever before. Please be with the readers and all that they are going through. I may not know their struggles and pain, but you do because you know all things. Psalm 147:5 says, great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is infinite. Lord, if they are struggling with depression, please take away the depression. Heal their wounds; help them to work through their hurt so that they can be able to enjoy life. Heal them as you have healed me. There is nothing that you can’t do, nothing too hard for you. Lord, strengthen them and give them the energy to endure and persevere in their situation. God, you will not give us what we cannot handle; you will not give us more than we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). Use the pain to produce character and hope in us. Test our faith because your word says the testing of our faith produces perseverance (James 1:3). Lord, we trust you and thank you for all that you are doing, and what you are about to do. I know that breakthroughs are coming for the readers. Your mercy and grace and great, you are loving, kind, and forgiving. You are our Heavenly Father and we praise you!

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Prayerfully,

Pam