Remembering God's Faithfulness

Last week was sort of a rough week for me. I had been hurt and wounded by two people that I dearly loved and cared about. On top of the hurt and sadness that pierced my already broken heart, I felt betrayed and angry. I'm usually good about quickly forgiving and not being easily offended, but this issue had been recurring for the last 4 years. I had already forgiven five, six, seven, eight times, but this time I had enough. I blew up, and could not hold down the anger or patience any longer. If you saw me, you could described my anger as being a volcano that had aggressively erupted. All of the sadness and anger came forth in yelling and swearing, until I finally bursted into tears. However, that did not make things any better; it actually made me feel worse. The conflict is still not resolved, nor am I sure that it will be anytime soon, but God continues to work.

With all the frustration, anger, and pain I was feeling, I was not in the mood to be godly. I felt justified in my blowing up, and I did not want to submit to God. He wasn't doing anything about it anyway, I thought. Now, I didn't doubt that God could, but I was wondering why He didn't. I was sick of being a doormat, and not being listened to. I hated always having to bite my tongue, and turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39). Additionally, I had a million questions going through my mind. Why was I always the one being corrected, even though they're also in the wrong? Why was I always the one being chastised for my sins? Why did I always have to be the bigger person? Why did I always have to forgive? Why do I always have to apologize? Lord, when are you going to convict them of their sin? I'm not wrong here, I am not at fault. It was about time they hear what I have to say. I'm glad I said what I did...

Yet, these thoughts and feelings pushed me farther and farther from God because I wanted to hold on to my anger (even though I knew that was not what God wanted). I knew that I would eventually repent and go back to the Father, but just not yet. I wasn't ready. I wanted to prove a point, and I wanted to show them that they did not have the right to do and say what they did. I didn't want to be humble, but I wanted to boast in my pride. Fortunately, this did not last long. I am not good at being angry, bitter, and resentful, nor am I good at being disrespectful and disobedient to God. Yes, I still sin, but it's hard for me to sin intentionally and knowingly; I have the Holy Spirit to thank for that. Maybe if this happened 10 years ago, I would have been a pro and not felt any guilt, and I probably would have said a few more things to the other party, but the anger kept the pain festering and just made me absolutely miserable.

Finally, after a few days, I broke and returned to the Father like the Prodigal Son, or maybe I was the other son. Either way, I told God about all the anger I felt, how they had wronged me, and how they were supposed to love me, and how I had tried to be good. But I did not tell God that I was just in my anger or unforgiveness, because I know how forgiveness works. You can read about it in my last post called Forgiveness. I told God the honest truth about what I was feeling. I told Him that I wanted to give up on those two, and that I couldn't do it anymore. I told God that I didn't want to pray, and that I didn't have the energy to pray. I told Him that I didn't see the point in praying anymore, and felt like my prayers have been a waste of time. I told Him that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, and that I was done trying. I was real and raw with God, all while sobbing. After I poured out my heart, I told Him that no matter what happens, He will always be the One I run to, and the One I return to. He is the only thing stable in my life, the only thing real, true, and reliable. He's always been faithful, loyal, and loving. Even if I lost everything, I would still need Him. Without Him, there'd be no reason to live. It was hard, but I knew that what I was doing and thinking, in my situation, was not what God wanted me to do and think.

For those few days, I had lost hope in God, and faith that He would help my situation. I knew He could, but He was taking too long. He was not doing it the way I wanted Him to. I had to bear the brunt of it, and it was at the expense of my broken heart! (Listen to the song Even If by MercyMe, it explains perfectly how I felt).  I still wondered, when would He show them their errors and their sin? Then, He spoke to me in His Word, that He is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9). I shared my situation with a godly woman, who asked that I read the book of Jonah.  After doing so, I realized that I was not their Creator, but that God created all things. I realized that God is righteous, just, and holy in His anger, but I was not. God did not want me to play God, or to be the judge. He only asked that I remain still, trust Him, pray for them, and rest in His love, mercy, and grace.

Furthermore, He showed me in the book of Leviticus, why the Israelites had all of these festivals, because they were to be a constant reminder of God's faithfulness, and of all the wonderful and awesome things God had previously done for them. Then I wept again. I repented and I apologized. I openly spoke out loud all of the things God had done for me in the past. I made it a point to remember them. I remembered His faithfulness, and spoke His Word and Promises over my life. I remembered that God was in control, and that He was bigger than my circumstances. I felt ashamed that I didn't want to pray. I felt ashamed for questioning God, and I felt bad for not trusting Him. My faith had been shaken, and like Peter, I took my eyes of Christ (Matthew 14:30-31). But I knew God had forgiven me, so I praised Him. I sang my heart out to Him and worshipped Him. I thanked Him and praised Him.

My conclusion is this: No matter our circumstances, no matter who hurts us or what people say to us, no matter our failures or our sins, no matter how great or small, God is still God. He is the GREAT I AM. He will always be God, and nothing will ever change that. Who can remove God from His throne? Who is like HIM? Our circumstances or pain does not define God's character, or change who God is. (Read the book of Job). He is good, and He will always be GOOD! I just finished the book of Leviticus, and at the end of the several paragraphs, God continued to say I AM THE LORD. We must remember this.  We have to focus on who God is, and not our circumstances. Remember His faithfulness!

Let us pray.

Heavenly Father,

You are the Creator of all things; You are the Great I AM! There is no one like You! Lord, thank You for this message. Thank You also for always being with us, empathizing with us, and caring for us. Your Word says for us to cast our anxiety on You because You care for us (1 Peter 5:7). Father, I pray that You will bring healing to those of us who have been hurt. Heal our hearts and wounds. Humble us before You and help us to forgive those who have hurt us. We also pray for You to forgive us, as well as those who have hurt us. Help us to put our hope and faith back in You, and to remember all the things You have done for us in the past. Just because people wrong us, doesn't make You a bad Father. It doesn't mean that You have neglected us or that You are not just. Help us to remember that Your ways and thoughts are higher than ours as the heavens are higher than the earth (Isaiah 55:8-9). Father, remind us that You are for us (Romans 8:31), and that the battle belongs to You (2 Chronicles 20:15). Show us how to be still, and to rest in You. You have it all under control. In Jesus' Holy name, amen.

Prayerfully,

Pam