Thankful
Amid the hysteria, panic, uncertainty, fear, and other heightened emotions/reactions surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic, I am feeling thankful. This is not to say I haven't experienced my own feelings of fear and anxiety, I have! However, I know worrying isn't going to help. I'm shocked I am saying this because I am a professional worrier! I am great at worrying! Regardless, even I know this one is totally out of my hands. Each day, I am realizing how little control I actually have. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I feel hopeless. It's just that in this situation, I know that worrying will not benefit me even an ounce. Nope, not one bit!
Forgive me if this blog is poorly written. I'm finding that my thoughts and emotions are a tad difficult to collect, but I felt the need to share my thoughts. As I process what is happening, getting notices of school closures, scrolling through social media, and trying to filter what I information to take in, my thoughts and heart return back to being grateful. Why you might ask?
Well, for one, I have been in school since August 2018. I have been taking a full course load with little to no rest, in efforts to finish school as quickly as I can. It's mentally and emotionally tolling. I've made many sacrifices to attend this graduate program, and every part of my life revolves around school. I probably spend over 40 hours a week, if not more, doing school related activities. All that is happening now is, more or less, respite for me. I will still be doing schoolwork, but at this point, I will take all the rest and time I can get. Not having to drive myself or kids to and from school is a big break in itself!
In addition, I am still learning how to relax and be present. You may have read in one of my posts that I have been wanting to stop and smell the roses, but I don't think I have been doing a good job. I have had more anxiety than usual. In the last six months, my stress has increased, and I have had an increase in colds, allergies, and other physical ailments. I'm always moving on to the next task; the next thing to get done. I never truly relax, unless I am sleeping. Even in my sleep, I have dreams of not finishing school or things happening that are out of my control. My mind and heart are always racing.
With the U.S. declaring a state of emergency, I now have more time, and the chance to take care of myself, spend time with my kids, and dive in God's Word. I have kept myself so busy, that this is just the break I needed. Now, I can relax in the comfort of my own home, with those I love. I am not tempted to run or escape my problems by going window shopping or out to eat because of the caution to stay away from large crowds. The rumors of stores closing, give me a reason...rather, forces me to be present, relax, and use that extra time to share with my husband and kids.
Therefore, I am exhausted and taxed. I am ready for a break, and I can't help but to thank God for the extra time. Time to read for pleasure, time to play board games with my kids, time to read the Bible, time for self-care, time for Bible Journaling, time to breath, time to take a nap, time to house train our puppy, and much much more! I am also thankful for God's Word. The Bible is an anchor in times of trouble and uncertainty. The troubles of this world and fear may toss us to and fro, but we can be certain God is with us and that He loves us. The words in these sixty-six books of the Bible bring comfort, understanding, and peace. Go on, read it! There is something in there for everyone!
Please know that I am not unaware of the death toll, chaos, and supply shortages, but today, that is not my focus. That content will have to be for another post. Many of the things I am thankful for are specific to me and my current life situation. It's the way I see the world--my own lens, perspective and experience. Everyone has their own opinion of what is happening in the world, and what should or shouldn't be done. In this moment, I don't want to be in my thoughts and feelings about all the what-ifs, I don't want to point my finger and blame, or try to figure out the best course of action. I just want rest, and to be thankful and present!
Another thing I've realized is how insignificant my old worries were. In times like this, I am not worrying about the usual, trivial things like what percentage my phone battery life is at, or if I should get that latest, hot new item. I want to focus on what truly matters. I want my children to know they're loved and my husband to know he's appreciated. I want to spend time reading God's Word and giving Him the worship He is worthy of. I want to enjoy life, all that I have left of it...no matter what happens or what my future holds. I want to experience true peace and joy that isn't dependent on my situation or circumstances. I want to know true peace, and that peace can only come from God.
Some people have mentioned that these events are all signs of Christ's return. I wouldn't disagree. In truth, each day is a day closer to Christ's return. However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows (Mark 13:32). Therefore, my advice would be to be ready for Christ’s return, and trust in God. As I said, I am still processing it all and how I feel just depends on the day. Each day I feel something different. Today, I feel that I am ready to go to Heaven and spend eternity with our Creator. Other days I am sad and think of how much I miss this earthly life. Regardless of my emotions, I stand firm and truly believe that nothing can be compared to the glory that God will reveal to us later (Romans 8:18). May God’s Will be done.
Let us pray.
Oh Mighty God, Ruler and Creator of the Universe,
May we remember You and draw near to You, not just during this time of uncertainty, but from this day forward. Lord, only You know what we are facing, only You know our past, present, and future. Help us Lord! I pray that Your love will conquer every fear, and that Your truth will set us free. I thank You for showing us what truly matters, and for the time You have given us. Thank you for this breather, and these opportunities to strengthen our relationship with You and our loved ones. May we not give in to fear and panic, but have faith and trust in You. Thank You that You are a very present help in our time of need (Psalm 46:1). Be our comfort and our peace. In Jesus' name, amen.
Prayerfully,
Pam
