Faith over fear
A few days ago, I let my fear (and lack of faith) get the better of me, all for a good 5 minutes. It sounds silly, I know. But the silly part is actually that I continue to struggle with this fear, over and over again, and the fear produces a great deal of anxiety and worry! Some days I can overlook it, but some days the pull to worry gets stronger, and I powerlessly oblige. It's like there is a rope tied around my waist, pulling and dragging me back into that dark hole of worry, and whenever I am in this hole, my anxiety runs rampant and I am consumed by darkness, negative thoughts, and hopelessness. Or sometimes I feel like the photo above, it's as if I'm drowning, and that there is no one around to help get me out. That is, until I come to my senses. This distress can last for minutes, hours, days, or even weeks.
I have many fears, but this deep-seated fear that I am writing about is the fear of poverty. I am afraid of the inability to provide or have shelter, food, clothing, and other essential needs for my children, husband, and myself. It's not that I am afraid of not having material possessions, it's the thought of not having our basic physiological needs met. Even though God has always provided, I still worry about it! (And this worry has become even more prominent now that I am not working, which means the income is especially out of my control.) This discomfort and fear makes my heart beat a million miles a second; praying and telling God my worries, reading the Word of God, and remember all that God has done for me in the past has been getting me through. This fear and worry of not having our needs met has escalated ever since our move to the West Coast; I've been clinging on to God for dear life. Though poverty doesn't pose a risk at the moment, just the thought of not paying a bill on time or over-drawing our account can make me overly upset. It's all the what ifs I think about that kicks this fear into high gear.
So after my five minutes of turmoil, then of shouting and pouting; I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I could hear Jesus scolding me and saying like he said in Matthew 8:26, You of little faith, why are you so afraid? I don't know if he actually did scold me, or it was just me being hard on myself. Regardless, I still felt horrible for my behavior. Why was I doubting God yet again? About the same issue? I still don't know where the root of this fear comes from, or why I am so afraid to not have my basic needs provided, but I have learned that whenever fear is present, faith isn't.
That day, I was just struck with the fear that my bills wouldn't get paid, and it got the best of me. At first it started out with just one thought, which led to another, and another, and then it was out of control. I fed into it and let it worry me. Then I complained and blamed the circumstances on God and my husband. I thought, They weren't providing the way they should be. Now looking back, those thoughts were lies. Deceitful thoughts telling me that God was going to let us go hungry, or that we would not be able to pay our bills or have a place to live. However, we must not let our thoughts rule us (I must not let my thoughts rule me). 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. These were lies to frighten me, but I should have known better because God has always provided. While I was in that place of fear, I was also questioning God's love for me, and I let my circumstances and emotions get the best of me. 1 John 4:18 says, There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. So why do I question God's love for me? Do I feel unworthy of His love? I don't know these answers yet, and will have to pray for God's help and guidance.
To be honest, when these things happen, it gets more and more difficult for me to blog. It gets difficult because I come on here weekly and tell you all to have faith, believe, trust God; yet, sometimes I can't even do that for myself. I feel like I am beginning to sound like a broken record. Why do I have such little faith, in a loving God and Father who has never failed me? We see the Israelites questioning God like this also, in Exodus and Joshua. Yet, I'm sharing this day with you all because I want to be honest and transparent. That has always been my goal. For you all to see me, my imperfections, and the daily struggles I have in this walk with God. There are times when I fear, when I am of little faith. Moments when I question God and His love for me. But luckily we have Jesus, who is the perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2a)! This season, my personal prayer is like what the father of the child said in Mark 9:24 who cried help my unbelief!
One good thing about all of this, the fear, the worry, and the anxiety, is that it forces me to continually seek God and to give Him all my worries and troubles. We weren't meant to bear them or carry them all on our own. God created us, so He understands our humanness, futility, and shortfalls. Thankfully He is a God of grace, and we can ask Him for forgiveness. Each day, we must get up, dust ourselves off, and try again. 1 Corinthians 16:13 says Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. For more scriptures on Faith, I recommend you read Hebrews 11 and Romans 4.
Let us pray.
Dear Sovereign and gracious LORD,
Thank you for your forgiveness and grace. Thank you for understanding that we are feeble. Lord, there are many times in our life when we question you, become worried and anxious, or pout and complain because of our fear(s). Help us to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). Grow our faith so that we can pick faith over fear. Help our unbelief! Remind us of Your perfect love, and give us Your perfect peace. My fear happens to be poverty, and I pray that You will help me work through that fear. The readers however, may have other fears LORD, so I ask that You minister to them each personally and lovingly. Show us the root cause of these fears, and deliver us from them. Forgive us for our lack of faith, and help us to be courageous, strong, and to stand firm. Help us to recall all the times that you've already helped us, and help us to be thankful. We love you so much LORD, and thank you! All the praise, honor, and glory to You. In Jesus' name, amen.
Prayerfully,
Pam
