Greetings

I drafted this post on my birthday, which was also the third year anniversary of the this blog. I wanted to post something for you all, since it's been a while now, but there wasn't anything significant to write about. I'm still on an emotional healing journey.....still learning how to process and feel my emotions, instead of running from them or stuffing them. I think it's safe to say that I'm finally "out of the water." The last few weeks, I've been getting adjusted to my new school schedule. I had taken on new responsibilities, and things were getting a bit intense! I was running out of steam!

It started last semester, which was a whirlwind for me! One that spun right into the holidays, picked up speed, and continued to spin into the new year! It mostly had to do with schoolwork, anxiety at an all-time high, feeling crippling fear, and having a perception that things were out of control--that I was out of control. It was a mix between feeling helpless and beaten down. I felt bombarded with one thing after another, whether spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, or emotionally. Things like expectations from others, the pressures of the world, or just conflicts I created for myself was draining. It was if hopelessness and negativity was sucking the life out of me.

The internal struggle has been intense, and the external striving just as bad. I was an inflatable clown doll, getting punched around, and quickly bouncing right back up, just in time for the next blow. My energy was depleting, and my negative thoughts were been spiraling out of control. I've been wondering, when am I gonna catch a break? Will it ever get easier? I was even upset with God, thinking He could stop all of this, yet allowed it to persist to punish me.

I was also feeling unworthy, just waiting for God to give up on me. I felt like God was disappointed in me because I was disappointed in myself. I felt like a big, fat failure--the world's greatest let down and believed that God was running out of patience with me. No matter how much I prayed, the feeling of worthlessness would not go away. I don't know why, but I was anticipating something horrible to happen. Whether it be God's wrath, or an attack on the enemy, I felt powerless to stop it.

Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened--except that I got the flu. I'm not surprised, because I was headed that direction anyway. I was overly stressed, anxious, and fearful. Not only was my mental state tired and ill, so was my physical body. I was out for a good five days, but it took me some time to sit still and relax. I still had a little fight left in me before I gave up. It was a Sick, stressed or struggling? moment. (Read that blog if you're unsure of what I'm referring to.) It was time to be recover.

Lately, I'm either on one end of the spectrum or the other. I relax to the point where I have no motivation to do anything, or I keep busy like an energizer bunny. I hate it! I just want to have a balanced life; I want stability and security! So, while I was sick, I realized the unhelpful exceptions and pressures I was putting on myself. I wouldn't let myself relax because I didn't feel like I deserved it. My worth came from the things I got done, yet I still felt worthless. When I was wondering if I was doing enough, I was really asking if I was enough. Keeping busy was also a good distraction from those feelings of unworthiness. My thinking was so rigid. It was either this or that, but there was no room for anything in between. I see that now and how my negative thinking was not helping, rather they were making things worse!

Therefore, I am working on self-love again. I am trying to accept God's grace and to give myself grace. I am trying to get out of my rigid ways and negative thinking, but it will take time. I haven't been in God's Word as much as I'd like, but I have never stopped praying; I will never stop praying! I'm happy to say that God has never left me. He has always been present, and His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). It's funny how easy we can lose our identity in Christ and get lost or wrapped up in negative thoughts. Before we know it, we are believing a bunch of nonsense and lies. I have much detoxing to do, but these events have only made me draw closer to God. I am thankful for His unending love, mercy, grace, and truth. I hope that when you face unrelenting troubles or question your identity, that you, too, will seek God.

Let us pray.

Father God,

Thank you that, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9). I also thank You for never leaving us. I thank You that You are stronger than the problems we face, and the hardships we go through. You are in the pain and suffering. I praise You, for no matter what, You are still Above All! You are the God of Salvation! I thank You for our bodies, that can fight off sicknesses and self-heal. When we are ill, please remind us to rest and seek You. Be our respite in times of trials and tribulations. Save us from the torment and lies in our minds. Hear our prayers, in whatever form (tears, whispers, thoughts) they are in. Bring healing, salvation, and deliverance! Come quickly Lord, for we need You! When life gets harder, may Your presence remain. Surround us with Your angels and wash us in the blood of Jesus. Send Your Holy Spirit and set Your seal upon us. In Jesus' name, amen.

Prayerfully,

Pam