I Give Up!
Photo by Verne Ho on Unsplash
I am a mess, and I am at my wits end. I just can't take this anymore, and I don't know what else to do! I can't be strong anymore! I don't want to be strong. I can't do this anymore!
I've been struggling lately, for many years actually. Even before I became a Christian. One of the problems is that I have so many expectations of myself, yet, I fail time and time again. Especially with being a Christian. I want to be a Bible-abiding Christian, but I always screw up. For example, I want to be even-tempered and quick to forgive, and not easily offended (Colossians 3:13). I want to bear the fruit of God's spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). But I can't. It's too much, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to do this anymore! Right now, I want to cry, scream, and curse all at once. I want to shout at the top of my lungs. I want to weep bitterly. I want to give up!
I also think: Why God?! Why do You have so many expectations of me? Why do You set the bar so high? Why are You setting me up to fail? I'm sorry that I can be and do what You want and ask of me. Why are You doing this to me?!
Believe it or not, I am even mad at God and.....I blame Him for my problems. I question His thoughts and His ways. (I know these thoughts are wrong and I know what the Bible says. I know how I shouldn't base God's character off of my circumstances, but right now, that's just how I feel!) I ask myself: What happen to Him being all powerful, all knowing, always present? What happen to Him protecting me? What about the Bible verse that says His plan is not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future? (Jeremiah 29:11) Because that sure isn't how I'm feeling right now. I cannot even read the Bible right now. It's almost repulsive. I don't even want to think of His so-called promises because I'm starting to feel like His promises are more so curses. I don't feel them benefiting me, but actually condemning me. You may be thinking I have it all wrong, that I'm so off track...but this is how I feel.
I know I'm supposed to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5), but it's too much work. There are so many things in the Bible that I'm supposed to do. But what if I can't? Can I just give up? Honestly, I feel so far from Scripture right now, I can’t even relate to it. I don’t even want to pray. I don’t want to listen to sermons. I don’t want to sing worship songs. I don’t want to have faith. I don’t want to be a good person. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to do the "right thing.” I don't want to "let go and let God." I can't even look at a positive or inspiring quotes. I'm done. I just want to give up. I want to quit. I want to tap out!
These are not new struggles or problems springing forth. They are the same old ugly and painful things that I have been dealing with for years! Will it ever end? Is this how God rewards me for following Him? For choosing to forgive? For turning the other cheek? For holding on to the faith? For loving others? For putting people before myself? Where is the reward? When will I get relief? What happened to God being close to the broken hearted and saving those crushed in spirit? (Psalm 34:18)
Because right now, I feel forgotten, abandoned and neglected. God isn’t answering my prayers. He isn't making things better. In fact, I feel like He's making things worse. He isn't helping me; He's making life harder. I feel like I’m climbing up a steep cliff and that He’s strapped 500 lbs boulders to my back. I feel like a dirty rag doll that's being violently tossed back and forth. I know You see all of this God, so why aren’t You doing anything? Am I not Your child? Can’t You see I’m suffering? Why aren't You helping? Where are You? I don’t want to do this anymore. How long do I have to wait? What am I doing wrong?
As if that isn't bad enough, I feel bad for not having faith. I feel bad that I can’t do what He wants me to. I feel bad for questioning Him. I feel bad for being angry with Him. I feel bad for not believing. I feel bad that I can't be patient or endure. I feel like a failure. On the other hand, doesn't He know I'm human? I'm not Jesus. I always mess up. I'll never be perfect. Why does He expect me to do so much? I just can't God. I can't do this anymore. I. GIVE. UP.
Then again, God knows I’ll never leave Him, that I'll always return to him. I can’t leave Him because I need Him. I'm dependent on Him. I can't survive without Him! I don't even know how to operate without Him. I will always need Him.
You know....usually, I would wait for this to pass, and then write a feel-good post about how God came through. Or I'd blog right at the tail end of it, when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m not feeling that right now. I feel hopeless, lost, desperate, and infuriated. I am angry and bitter. This is how I feel and think when things are rough. Being a Christian is not easy. It's painful and uncomfortable. It's grueling and exhausting. And I have no outlet (except maybe this blog). But, it's not like I can go out and get wasted or high. I mean I could, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did. I really can’t do anything but complain and pout, and wait for God to answer. If I do do something I know is bad or wrong, I will regret it and I don’t want to live with that regret! I can also eat my feelings, but that hasn't been working out too well for me either. So what do I do?
There are so many emotions and thoughts swirling around in my mind, and I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I am about to snap. I feel helpless and alone. I feel like a failure because I shouldn’t be feeling this way if I’m a Christian. I feel like a weakling. I feel like a fraud. I’m not feeling very forgiven or worthy. I don’t feel hopeful or thankful. I feel annoyed and frustrated. This is too hard. I just want to do away with all of this. I just want it to end. I want to give up. But I can't give up. God won't let me give up.
To make matters worse, I feel bad for wanting to give up. I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel bad for thinking these thoughts and saying these things. But this is how I feel. I can't help how I feel.....Am I wrong to feel this way? Is God mad at me for being angry? Is He mad at my lack of faith? Is God going to strike me for acting this way? Job was honest and real with God. Elijah was too. Moses even got mad. So, God can handle my emotions, right? I'm nothing but a puny human to Him anyway.....
I'll post an update if things ever start to look up, but for now I am going to be in my feelings and sulk.
Let me (try to) pray.
Dear God,
I'm sorry for my lack of faith and for questioning You. I'm sorry I am weak and that I want to give up. I'm sorry for disappointing You and not trusting You. Please help, quickly. Please also help those who feel similarly. Help us please. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Prayerfully (not so much),
Pam
