Learning to Feel

I talk about sadness, I write about sadness, and I think about sadness; but rarely, do I ever FEEL sadness. Or maybe it’s that I feel too much and would rather avoid it. Whatever the reason, I would rather not feel it. Over the past year, I've been getting counseling and my therapist tells me, thinking isn't the same as feeling. I've been running from feeling sad or anything in that category. But I think a lot; so much sometimes, that I have to put myself to sleep. I have to take a nap, otherwise my mind never stops racing. I'm always thinking about how I feel, or the situation that makes me feel a certain way, but it's hard for me to truly feel because I intellectualize. Feeling emotions aren't fun, especially if they are painful emotions. I think that's why so many people avoid them, turning to drugs, food, sex, alcohol, and other things to occupy themselves, or to try and numb the pain.

Personally, I use food to numb my pain. I can be described as an emotional eater. I frequently indulge in ice cream, chocolate, or Oreos. As a coping mechanism, I learned to repress my feelings, at a young age. Repression helped to a degree, but I also remember being very anxious. Sometimes, repressing feelings is automatic; other times I have to fight hard to keep them at bay, by suppressing them. Either way I did it, wasn’t doing me any good. It's helped me to survive this far, but it isn't a practical way to live because the pain doesn't go away. It comes out in other ways, manifesting as anxiety, stress, anger, emptiness, and depression.

Not only am I learning to feel, I'm learning to cry. It's as if I created my own emotional dam, refusing to feel or cry. But when the water is too much and starts to rise above my self-built dam, I get frustrated, angry, irritable, and overwhelmed. I feel so out of control, that I can no longer contain it. Then, I cry. I sob. I weep. I let it all out, and things are bearable, once again. Not better, just bearable and the cycle starts all over. I know I should feel it; I want to feel it, but many other times I just don't.

In earlier posts, like My Current Healing Journey and Good grief! Good grief? I talk about my grief and my inability to cry. I've tried to be immune to crying because it was intolerable, by those in my family and ultimately, by myself. I considered crying to be weak, unattractive, manipulative, or too vulnerable. Yet now, I envy people who can cry. Those who are one with their emotions; those who are not afraid of feeling. Those who cry and get relief. You can't get relief if you don't cry, and that's what I want--relief! You may have heard me say this before, but crying is so healing and cleansing! It’s necessary, and it’s our bodies natural response to pain and sadness!

So, this semester, I've been working on feeling more. God is working on me also, because I'm even getting information and clues from school, that I need to be working on it. Disney Pixar came out with the movie Inside Out, which I had to watch for class. I had already seen it, but something dawned on me this last time I watched it. I received a revelation. Like Joy (a character in the movie), I didn't want Sadness to be a part of my life. I didn't want it messing things up or slowing me down. Mainly because there was too much to do, I didn't have time to slow down and feel, that would be too costly. It would get in the way of life, my duties, and responsibilities. Therefore, it would just have to remain hidden or at least out of my way. I couldn't afford to be out-of-service just because I needed to feel or cry, I had no time for that!

But anger easily became my go-to emotion. I hated being angry, but it was a lot safer than being sad. (Anger was also something that I learned at a young age.) However, anger led to me to saying a lot hurtful things to my husband and kids. Then feelings of guilt, shame, and regret came flooding in. God has been working on me with anger for a while now; like James 1:20 says, anger does not produce the righteousness of God. (This isn't the only verse that encourages us to refrain from anger, go look them up!) Honestly, I don't like being angry either. My father was angry and explosive, as was a lot of my family members. Therefore, anger was not a good solution. I never saw benefits of anger or it being shown or dealt with in a positive way.

Another thing my therapist said to me was that Anger is an emotion that pushes people away, and Sadness can invite people in....to help, to comfort, to empathize. To which I replied, "I'm not going to cry in front of my husband or kids" But, this was what was missing in my life. I refused to be vulnerable, to let people see me cry, to let people in, and never got the support I needed. That's where the movie Inside Out comes in. When Joy lets Sadness work with Riley, things begin to shift. Riley feels sadness instead of anger. She cries, thus, letting her parents in, so they realize how sad and hurt she was. They comfort and console her and it brings them all closer together.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I experienced my own shift. I asked my daughter to pray for me. She asked why, so I gave her a vague answer like, because I'm sad, thinking that would suffice, but it wasn't good enough for her. Maybe the Holy Spirit was prompting her, or maybe she was really curious, but she asked why I was sad, then kept on asking more questions, digging deeper and deeper. Finally, I told her about my sadness and began to cry. I could have fought the tears, but I let myself cry. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I was expecting her to be disgusted or to roll her eyes, but to my surprise, she was an amazing and wonderful comforter. She listened, encouraged, empathized and even gave me some advice! Then, at the end of our little talk, she prayed a powerful and heartfelt prayer for me.

I never thought that I could be comforted by one of my children. I wouldn't normally want my kids to comfort me, or to see me cry because I feel like it isn't their job to comfort me. I should be the one comforting them. I have this expectation that I should have it together. Then I think, if I don't ever cry, they won't think crying is accepted or normal. I want them to know that there is nothing wrong with crying, but that it’s our bodies natural response to pain and sadness, even happiness. I feel closer to my daughter now, and like I've told you all, it’s good to share because sharing is like giving others a piece of the load. I felt a lot lighter after we talked, and my daughter even invited me to talk to her again, whenever I feel sad.

I'm still learning to feel, even though I sometimes revert back to the old me. It's hard to change and break out of bad habits and cycles, but I know God wants me healed. I always tell myself and others who will listen, "we can't expect anything to change if continue to do the same things!" Crying isn't so bad, but I have to resist the urge to do what I've always done, which is bottling it all up, or hoping, avoiding, or pretending it’s not there. I've conditioned myself to be this way, and now I have to work at living differently. May this be a reminder to myself and all of you: Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

Let us pray.

Heavenly Father,

So many of us are afraid to feel. We can't face the hurt and don't want to feel the pain, so we avoid, numb, run, and hide. Nothing gets resolved and the rug that we keep sweeping our emotions under, keeps growing taller and taller. Additionally, the avoidance of sadness breeds depression, anxiety, fear, isolation, fatigue, and anger. Show us the unhealthy or unhelpful ways we cope, and show us better ways to deal. Send us comforters, people who can empathize and encourage us, and also the Comforter, who is the Holy Spirit. Hold our hands as we begin to open up; heal these wounds that have gotten so large and infected. Break down our emotional dams, hardened hearts, and bring us peace. Take the shattered pieces of our lives, and make them whole again. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Prayerfully,

Pam